Siblings tend to fight. It is a fact of life. Sometimes things get out of hand and someone gets hurt.
That was the case with my brother. I was about 11 and he was 13. We were arguing about something silly. This would usually end with a wrestling match that I would lose. This time was different. I decided to protect myself.
We had a dart board in our room. Without thinking I took the darts and started throwing them at the ground, near his feet. I had no intention of hitting him, I wanted him to stay back. And then it happened. One of the darts hit his big toe. My first reaction was to run – I knew he would be mad.
After getting halfway down the street, I stopped and thought about what happened. I hurt my brother. It didn’t matter that we were both arguing. I made the mistake. It was my fault and no one else’s. I was sorry to my core.
I headed back home to own up to what I did. After making sure he was OK and calm, I apologized. I took full responsibility. I asked for his forgiveness, which he gave. And to this day, I have never thrown a dart at another person.
As a child, there were a lot of times I apologized. Sometimes it was because my parents made me. Those were not real apologies. This was the first time I can remember apologizing the right way to someone.
Here is how you know you are doing it right.
1. Admit YOUR mistake.
Benjamin Franklin said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” If you hear yourself saying things like “but he started” or “but she did this” start over. It doesn’t matter what the other person did. Admit your mistake and don’t make excuses.
2. Accept responsibility.
This is hard. Your ego will try to get in the way of doing what is right. You need to be sincere when you say “this was my fault and I take full responsibility for my actions.
3. Ask for forgiveness.
You want to repair whatever trust you broke with your actions. If you are the one receiving the apology, accept it and move on. Don’t dwell on things in the past. As Elsa says in Frozen, “Let it go.”
4. Change your behavior.
This last one is important. Your actions will always speak louder than your words. If you continue to do the things that led to an apology in the first place, you aren’t sorry. The other person will start to see you as insincere and lose respect for you. Always, complete this step after you apologize.
Your Mom and I try to set a good example. Watch us. You will see we are quick to apologize. If we make a mistake we own up to it, tell you we were wrong and work to change our behavior going forward. We aren’t perfect, but we always want to do the right thing.
Remember, be quick to own up to your mistakes, be sincere and change your behaviors. This will save you a lot of heartache and guilt. Above all, it will protect your friendships. Something you never want to lose.
This post is part of a series of letters to my kids. My goal is to reflect on and capture as many life lessons as possible. Here is the current list I am working from
