My Grandma always told me, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.”
Don’t think for a second she was giving me a pass on an education. Not a chance.
She was making a point. In those 9 words, she explained one of the most important lessons of success. You need help along the way.
As a young teenager, I didn’t have a network outside of my family. When I needed help I was able to tap into the people they knew.
I remember looking at part-time jobs at restaurants. The problem was I was too young so they wouldn’t hire me. My uncle knew someone that ran TGI Friday’s. He made a call, asked for a favor and before long I got the job. They ignored the age rule.
Looking back, there always seemed to be a helping hand. That help all came from a network. It helped me with jobs, school assignments, projects and meeting other great people.
Back then if you would have asked me about this I would have told you that I got help from friends. No one called it a network. It was all about relationships.
I don’t know what went into building those relationships, but I know it must have been a lot. Why? These people all wanted to help. They treated me like family.
Today, networking feels more like a sport. You need to get more reps. You need to hustle faster. You need to compete against the next guy. Above all you need to win.
This is a shame. First, because we’ve lost the essence of building relationships. Second, because it doesn’t work.
I have a great friend I met in 1999. I worked with him for four years and then he left town. Like any good friend, we stayed in touch.
This friend is unique. He is one of the greatest people I know. Beyond being crazy smart, charismatic and musically gifted, he never forgets a birthday. When it’s your birthday, he won’t post on Facebook. He will call.
Somewhere along the line, he met my Mom. It was her birthday one year and she said, “You’ll never believe who called me.” When I asked who, she told me it was this friend.
He doesn’t do it for anything in return. He calls because that is the type of guy he is. I promise, if he ever needs anything in life, there will be a line of people waiting to help.
The reason is simple, when someone gives you so much, you want nothing more than to give back in return. It is human nature.
As the years tick by, we all get busier. We focus on what we can see vs. what we need. We develop excuses about why there isn’t enough time to build meaningful relationships. I am guilty of all these things.
This may be the most common, common sense there is. You need to build a network before you need a network.
I am making an effort right now to reconnect with the people in my life. All it takes is a simple coffee or lunch. After every conversation I am always energized. I learn something new, enjoy catching up and build a stronger relationship.
I started this a few months back and it reminded me of another great benefit. One conversation tends to multiply into others. For example, I got introduced to three new people that I never would have met, had I not had that one coffee.
Some people are natural connectors. They look to make those introductions. Others aren’t, even though they have a large network. One simple thing you can do with this second group is to ask who they think you should meet.
Not only will you meet a lot of people, fast, you will develop stronger relationships.
Benjamin Franklin figured out something pretty interesting about Man. He found that someone that does a favor for you is more likely to do another favor vs if you do a favor for that person.
Franklin tells a great story about this in his autobiography. There was a rival in the Pennsylvania legislature that he was trying to move to his side. Here is how he explains the concept.
Having heard that he had in his library a certain very scarce and curious book, I wrote a note to him, expressing my desire of perusing that book, and requesting he would do me the favour of lending it to me for a few days. He sent it immediately, and I return’d it in about a week with another note, expressing strongly my sense of the favour. When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.
Two things strike me about this. First, it was a simple act of asking to borrow a book. Asking for an introduction might be a little more work, but it is still a rather small request. Second, they became friends.
This is about developing relationships, not manipulation.
There is another rule about social interaction called the reciprocity rule. The rule says that people tend to repay in kind, what they received from someone else.
As I’ve built my network, I always look for ways to help. That might be an introduction or it might be feedback on a problem. If I can help, I will.
Ziglar says “You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.” Helping others is the right thing to do and it has the added benefit of increasing a person’s opinion of you.
Having a network doesn’t guarantee success, but it does make it more likely.
A network starts to look and act like your brain. In your brain you develop neural connections throughout life. The more you use them, the more effective they become. When you stop using connections your brain cuts them off.
Your relationships and network are the same. Keep them active and they become fast, efficient and valuable. Ignore them and they fade away.
Someone much smarter than me, sums this up in one simple statement. The opposite of networking, is not working.
This post is part of a series of letters to my kids. My goal is to reflect on and capture as many life lessons as possible. Here is the current list I am working from.
