The competition of life starts at an early age. One of the first arenas we enter is school, where the pressure to be “cool” feels overwhelming.
There is no scoreboard when it comes to popularity, only an unshakeable feeling of being in or out.
If you are on the inside, you protect that position. If you aren’t, you either fight to get in or start to hate the game. It’s such a brutal sport Hollywood has immortalized it with movies and TV Shows.
Now for some good news. Scientists ran a 10-year study and found that popularity is a trap. The kids that acted cool as youngsters were more likely to experience problems as adults.
One big reason is friendships. These kids may have others around all the time, but looks can be deceiving. The study found these kids lacked the skills to build deep, meaningful relationships – a critical life skill.
While the world has changed a lot since I went to school, I’m pretty sure what’s cool hasn’t. The popular kids are exciting in some way, wealthy, athletic or wear the best clothes.
I was none of these things growing up. I didn’t have a lot of money, I didn’t dress all that well, I was never a star athlete in a sport that people cared about and I’m not sure I did anything exciting.
What I didn’t know then is that I was lucky to never be cool. As I went through school, I started caring less about what others thought and started doing my own thing.
I always admired people that lived life on their own terms. They took chances and put themselves out there. They’re easy to spot growing up, because they will stick out. I sort of lived in limbo, somewhere between this and trying to fit in.
Looking back, I can see how important my friendships were in allowing me to do my thing. Whether it was my brother, a few close friends or even a teacher or coach, they all helped. These relationships seemed to counterbalance the pull I felt to fit in and be cool.
These were real relationships vs. the superficial ties of popularity. Because they were authentic they helped me grow and focus on things that matter. I kept the power of determining my self worth instead of putting it in the hands of people that don’t matter.
I was lucky to go through these tough years without social media. I didn’t know all the fun things people were doing the instant they did it. I didn’t have to hear about the parties they were going to or the new toys they got for their birthday. I never knew how good (or bad) others had it, unless it came up in a conversation or a real experience.
Today, we get the very best of people on social media. It doesn’t represent reality, only what people want us to see. Being cool used to be an imaginary yard stick. Now kids can quantify it with likes, followers and retweets.
Like popularity, social media is meaningless. It doesn’t replace a relationship, help build life skills or bring happiness. It’s the game of being cool in the digital world.
Unfortunately, this game never stops. There is always pressure to be part of the right crowd, have the nicest things or live in the right neighborhood.
It’s easy to get off track. One way I check myself is to ask three simple questions. Let’s call it the anti-popularity checklist.
1. Am I being true to myself?
2. Do I have quality friendships?
3. Do I determine my self worth
When I answer yes to all three I know I have all the popularity I need.
Fast forward to today and I still do things that people find odd or different. Things that make me stick out. This is always a good sign!
I’m doing my best to live my life on my terms.
I am not trying to live it for someone else or trying to impress people that don’t matter.
I’m not trying to achieve things other people think are important.
Instead, I am focusing on the things that I find cool. Family is cool. Learning is cool. New experiences are cool. Being an expert is cool. Being happy is cool. Finding fulfillment is cool. Friendships are cool. Chasing dreams is cool.
I am figuring it as I go, setting my own path and that is pretty cool to me.
This post is part of a series of letters to my kids. My goal is to reflect on and capture as many life lessons as possible. Here is the current list I am working from.
