Being self-conscious means being intensely aware of yourself. You think everyone is judging you, scrutinizing every move. You worry about looking dumb or doing something embarrassing. If you are always battling self-consciousness, you can’t have self-confidence. What’s worse is you can’t enjoy life.
The key word in self-conscious and self-confidence is self. While the outside world can beat us down or raise us up, it starts and ends with self. What we allow is what will happen.
But it is a struggle. Even Marilyn Monroe, one of the most famous actresses of all time said, “I’m one of the world’s most self-conscious people. I really have to struggle.”
I struggled at this as a kid. Look back at pictures from elementary and middle school. You’ll notice I never showed my teeth when I smiled.
Right on my two front teeth I had these weird discolorations. They were deposits in my teeth and in my mind that might as well have been two flashing lights. They were begging people to look at them and laugh.
The simple answer was to hide them. No matter what anyone said, I would never crack my lips in a smile.
Over time, I had my teeth fixed. Dentists were able to grind out the deposits and fill them back in. They weren’t perfect, but it was much harder to see anything wrong.
Looking back, I realize how silly this was. I know if I asked every person I went to school with about my teeth, no one would remember. They wouldn’t remember because they didn’t notice them. They were too wrapped up in other things to care.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Our brain does so many wonderful things for us, but in this case, it’s our enemy. I remember friends and family all telling me what a beautiful smile I had. “If they only knew” I would say to myself.
My brain was working against me. It is a risk machine. Always trying to keep me safe from harm. The problem is, our brain makes up these scenarios that simply aren’t true.
Over time I got over this issue and I started to do little things that built my self-confidence. Today, I smile all the time. It’s amazing what smiling can do for you and those around you. I stand tall. Not to beat my chest, but to tell my brain that “I’m confident.” I speak clearly. I want my voice to project confidence as well.
While all this is visible to those around you, it is also sending signals to your brain. You are rewiring the self-consciousness with self-confidence.
Once you start allowing self-confidence in, it will start to change you. Your brain starts to get quiet and outside events start having a more positive effect. For me, it was a compliment from friends or family. It was winning a game of soccer. It was a nod of encouragement for a job well done.
When I was a junior in high school, I went to a summer leadership program at Camp Miniwanca. During the week, a photographer went around shooting pictures of the campers. At the end, they put on a slide show of all the photos.
One of the kids asked if they could have some of the slides to take home. Unfortunately, these were not digital, so only one person could get each slide.
The camp counselors looked for volunteers to come up with a solution. I raised my hand with three others. We were in charge of figuring out a process to distribute the slides and had two hours to make it happen.
I don’t remember our solution, but I remember getting the job done. You never know how these events impact your life. This one has always stuck with me. The counselors put their confidence in us and we delivered.
These are little drops of fuel that keep your self confidence burning strong. A lot of times I would take an “Ahhh shucks, it was nothing” attitude. This was wrong. Over time I figured out to embrace my wins. I would tell my brain, “yeah, I did do a good job.” And then follow it up with “If I did this, I can do even more.”
There is one other problem with self confidence. In life, there will always be issues around the corner to knock you down. It seems like the world is trying to suck away your confidence.
I had plenty of these growing up and still do.
- I got rejected from Northwestern.
- I almost failed my electrical engineering course.
- I lost a ton of deals in my sales career.
- …and the list goes on.
I found that when you stick with it, you develop a strong belief in yourself. This is self confidence. It is like a key that unlocks potential. Without it you’re trapped in your mind forever. This is a life sentence. When you find the key, you unlock unbelievable success.
Looking back, I can see that I was always in control. No one gave me self-confidence, but a lot of people tried to help. My mistake was not listening to them earlier, but I’m listening now.
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” e.e. cummings
This post is part of a series of letters to my kids. My goal is to reflect on and capture as many life lessons as possible. Here is the current list I am working from.
